No. I don't have anything better to do AKA stressing about something happening ten hours later.

ADHD has s wonderful thing called "waiting mode" where we focus on a later event and trigger our anxiety and executive dysfunction to fill the time until later event.

I am in the gnarly throes of this bullshit right now.

Have "Socially Booked" this evening. Event runs 6-9. We set up at 4:45. I want to be there at 4:15 to grab a good parking spot and perhaps a bite. Then book in a shower. Loading the car. Figuring out what in the hell I'm wearing. And I'm...spent. 😒 At not even 9 in the morning.

I've already packed my cart with books. Cleaned out my car sufficiently to pack said books. I've done what I can, in other words.

Now, we can be pensive the rest of the day.

Anxiety doesn't help, I have to admit. But being able to name this whole "waiting mode" bullshit is nice compared to me wondering, all the time, why I'm such a temporal idiot.

Am I excited? So much. Am I anxious as hell? So much. 

Then, there's my talk at Bethany Library next Saturday. That's a work in progress. But when my mind isn't filled with tonight, it's filled with my library talk. Literally every moment of the day. What I want to say. How I want to say it. Topics to cover. 

I think I might give myself another ulcer. 😬

My therapist assures me there can be good stress. I concur, but I can't tell which is which. 😑

It's all stress. Labels are unnecessary. 

sigh

That's my post for today. Whining about an event I'm excited but incredibly stressed about. Whining about an event NEXT Saturday where I take center stage and instruct others. 

Maybe I'll just copy and past this post next Friday. 🤔

Executive Dysfunction

Putting the "fun" in ADHD.

"Executive dysfunction" is a term used to describe faults or weaknesses in the cognitive process that organizes thoughts and activities, prioritizes tasks, manages time efficiently, and makes decisions.

Executive function skills are used to establish structures and strategies for managing projects and to determine the actions required to move each project forward.

In other words, let's say I have an appt at one o'clock. I am up at nine. Eat breakfast. Shower. Get dressed. I am worthless until said appt. I will do absolutely nothing until the appt because I am frozen until then. I literally an UNABLE to do anything else but wait for that appt. 

I have no idea why.

Science. 

I didn't know there was a term for this bullshit.

Surprise! There so is.

This is also the term for my short ass needing to write but unable to do so. I will alphabetize my tchotchkes before I open a Word document. *pulls out hair in author*

The frustration level, right now, is nearly at crying jag point. It's not simply "writer's block". No. This is some next-level cognitive fucked-up shit.

Now.

I've consulted with my mental med doc. We're going to start me on some ADHD meds, but they are CONTROLLED because Hey! Of course they fucking are. And she's not a "doctor" but a practitioner, so I must attend a fifteen minute meeting in three weeks, from a "doctor" warning me of the addictive nature of the med I want to try for this brain fuck.

Never mind the fact I took myself off Oxycodone after the hip surgery because I hated it, and I've gone cold turkey off Tramadol and Percocet because my prescribing PCP passed away. (She prescribed pain meds for my fibro. Good woman.)

ANYWAY...I feel like I'm spinning wheels with the barest of tread, and I'm fucking so over it, I could probably write a book about THAT.

 

Deep breath now that I've vented my spleen. WOOSAHHHHHHH