Dream big, Chaos Cow

Let me tell you. I dream big. And why not? It hurts nothing and gives me something to strive towards.

I'm sitting at my desk yesterday, making up my 2026 writing goals, trying to ignore the fact I'm in "waiting mode", and I decide to up my game.

Ya girl occasionally has game.

I put "finish 3 book titles" for 2025.

I upped that to 5 in 2026. 🤭

Do I entertain myself?

Oh...daily.

As I'm sitting at my table last night, I start doing math. Wait. There are only 12 months in a year, Crystal. Am I going to bust out a book every 2 1/2 months? 🤯

Seriously?

Then, I thought...why the fuck not? Why can't I? I'm fully capable of writing a book in that amount of time. But the issue is DOING IT!

What if I don't feel good that day? What if I have something come up? What if? What if? What if?

*shrug*

Life...lifes.

I've no control over it.

But I have a bit of control over myself.

Just the tiniest amount. 😂

The goal stays. 

Are the other goals as outrageous?

eh

Pretty much.

But that's why there ARE goals. 

And when I reach them...it makes it all worth while.

Now.

Pardon me, while I stress on my talk this coming Saturday at the Bethany Public Library and straighten my shit to sound like an actual functioning adult. ✌

Slowly but surely

The other day I Googled how to clean blood off of steel. I'm not remotely ALL the way back, but it was a first step.

I see other writers zipping ahead with upcoming releases, and I'm happy for them. Because that feeling is AH-mazing. I haven't finished anything this year.

Yet.

Stings a bit, yeah. 

Okay...more like I whacked a wasp nest and am standing at ground zero. 

It's hard to come to terms with limits. But this year has felt like hitting a wall every time I turn around. And it's a right bitch.

Physically? My body is a shitshow. Fibro flares. My right arm? Oooooooo....she is not nice. Daily. Nerve zaps from here to there. Yada.

Mentally? Have I MENTIONED we're playing with mood stabilizers and ADHD meds? Which has spun me into a depression I heretofore have not felt in years? HAVE I? 😶

Sure I have. 😬

But life continues. I'm still supposed to roll out of bed and live my life as though everything is honky-dory. Because masking works for other people. It's cool to be depressed as fuck as long as I don't rain on anyone's parade. As long as I laugh when I'm supposed to and pretend I'm not dying inside. 

Been there. Done that. 

I'm clawing my way back. I think, MAYBE, the new mood stabilizer might be working. I start the full dosage Wednesday, and I hope I can turn a little corner. A baby corner, if you will. 

And maybe I can find my Muse again. I used to kid Simba was my Muse, as his little furry ass kept me company in my office. But all I have are his ashes now, and that's a kick in the balls on the daily. 

Rough year, innit?