I'm using my planner.

Um...let's say I found another 2025 planner on my book shelves. A pristine planner with a really awesome cover. 😒 That no pen has ever touched. 

You know, in September of said year. 😐

NO ONE needs to make me crazy, folks. I'm more than well-equipped to do it, myself.

Who can deny the siren's song of new planners and notebooks? They beckon to me with gorgeous covers and promises of keeping my life together. And me? I fold like a house of cards, thanks. 😊

I need them all.

*ahem*

Want them all.

I have notebooks that I treasure so much that I've never written in them. Because I love the cover. Or how the pages are formatted inside. Or...any number of minutiae that somehow put me off using these notebooks. There is actually one I want to keep exactly as it is because it inspired a book I want to write.

I love them.

What does my Wish List on Amazon consist of? 

Usually notebooks. 

My wife is completely unamused. 😑

But words are my jam, and I need places to put them. Or...not. Whatever the notebook tells me to do. 

😶😂

But! The light at the end of my ADHD tunnel is this: I USED my big (8 1/2 by 11) planner this year. I wrote down bdays, appts, and notes to myself. I was kind of, almost, really reaching for some organization.

Ironically, I mostly love organization. It points and laughs at me.

And how does it make me feel?

Um, weird, quite honestly. I like it, but it's out of my realm, if that makes sense. 

Like...oh! Look at Future Me. Wrote down appts and dates of things I needed to do.

Present Me: Oh. Holy shit. THIS is how it works...🤔

It's a process, folks.

And for the record, I've already bought my 2026 Planner. 

🥳🎉

Resolutions? Nah...goals.

I suck at resolutions. So I decided to try "goals". I make a list of about 7 or so every year and post by my desk, in my office.

Funny thing being, I have ADHD combined, and I have visual-related issues. In other words, I often ignore things in plain sight due to executive dysfunction and working memory. Or, once it's been there for a bit, I'll gloss right over it. Like I can't even see it.

I posted 7 goals for 2025, CONVINCED it was going to be my year.

This.

Did.

Not.

Happen.

Not remotely. Not semi-remotely. Just...no.

Had a massive bout of depression. Hadn't been that bad in years. Rough start. Lost my precious Simba in May. Still absolutely gutted. 

I didn't want to do anything. And honestly? I didn't have the energy or wherewithal to even BEGIN.

Little me. Lost at sea. 

Turned on to a new medication for depression. 😊 It's a bit different, but it's helping. Also, trying a new mood stabilizer. 

And guess what? My life is overflowing with wonderful things. (My body is still unholy as fuck-all...thanks Fibro. 😒)

I finished "Dream Walker" which I started like a bat out of hell and then let sit for months. I put a new cover on a short story and published that. I usually do three conferences: February and two in August.

This year? I have two more in October and two in November. 

And the best got damn news I've had in a minute?

A previous publisher gave me back ALL MY RIGHTS to those earlier books. I think there's around ten, plus six or so short stories. 💃💃💃

Suddenly, I'm like...holy SHIT! I hit three of the seven goals.

3 OF 7! 💖

(in less than a month)

All my rambling summed up to say: If you're struggling, find help. Do not be quiet. Do not suffer. Depression is a right whore, and I tried so many medications hoping to help with it. They did not. Current med is.

Manifest what you desire. Write that shit down. Believe in it. Believe in yourself. 

No two roads are the same, but there ARE roads. 

And, do what you are meant to be doing. If you can't do it full-time, then squeeze it in when you're able. It'll feed your soul. 💗

The wand chooses the wizard

I thought I'd be picking one of two contemporary romances after editing "Dream Walker" and finishing "Canary: Out of the Shadows."

I thought.  😒

It was a cute thought. Full of intention and parsing out which appealed to me more. 

But guess what??? That, of course, didn't pan out. So what is Crystal doing? Oh. She's working on another fantasy romance. Because the title, two whole words, came to me, and I couldn't get it out of my wee brain.

Then it started unfolding like an origami swan.  

Oh, wait. And I have a rhyme to go with the story I plucked out from one word, "chandelier."

Do I need professional help? WAY ahead of you. Does it interfere with my wonky choosing of titles and soon-to-be books?

Thankfully not.

THIS is my process. Is it maddening? Oh, you betcha. But the chaos works for me. I'm chaotic neutral, by the way. 😄

Never you mind I have characters and notes for both contemporary romances. And all I have for the fantasy romance is a title, rhyme, and premise.

Let's do this shit! 💃💃💃

Designing woman

What other Indie Authors don't tell you is...you are in charge of everything. Emphasis:  EVERYTHING.

My short ass writes the books, designs the covers, markets the books, and everything else in-between. And let's be honest, I am NOT an artist in any way, shape, or form. I remember trying to make an owl in first grade with shapes, and let's just say my furry friend looked like it fell out of its nest. I can't draw a straight line. I can't draw a circle with any degree of accuracy. I simply am not THAT person. I love the hell out of you that are. 

I WANT a Personal Assistant. I WANT someone to handle ads, marketing, and newsletters. Realistically? Now isn't happening. 

Which leaves...me.

I'm proud of the covers I've designed. I've received many compliments on my "Canary" covers. That gave me a boost to subscribe to Canva and act like I know something about it. I may not know dick about design, but I know when something clicks--same as my writing.

I can look at a design and see what works and what doesn't. Placement, font, and colors. And I will mess with it until I get that "click." (I struggle with wanting to put that damn period after the quotations, but I guess now it goes IN? 😒)

I've now designed my book covers, adverts, and signage. I open Canva like a woman with a purpose. I've leaned into it. 

Is there a room in my house which I've had designing plans for years? Why yes. Yes, there is. Will that ever happen? No comment at this time.

But did I make two signs today I absolutely love? Hell yes, I did. 

I'll take my wins where I can get them.

Authors, I'm here to say you CAN do it. By your damn self. All of it. Is it overwhelming? Of course it fucking is. But is it doable??? Of course it fucking is. Have faith in yourself and that drive that makes you put pen to paper or fingertips to keyboard.

YOU. CAN. DO. IT. 

(Will not be posting the Rob Schneider gif. but you get the picture.) 😉

Psychological Thriller

For my lovely readers who aren't into romance, I offer up this psychological thriller:

Dream Walker

Available Winter 2025.

******************

Rissa Clay is a dream walker. She enters and controls dreams. Weaponized as a child and kept from the outside world, Rissa kills her nocturnal “targets” to stay alive. Rissa, shaped into a ruthless serial killer, escapes, and vows to make her handlers pay for years of abuse.

Sweet dreams.

Mornings can bite me

My new time to wake up is 4am. I was not consulted about this completely indecent hour. It simply...happened. 😑

I've never liked waking up early. I've done it out of necessity. No one is happy in Whoville this morning.

On the other hand, I've a list of things to do today, and I may as well start before the sun even rises. 

Blog

Switch "Captivation" to Kindle Unlimited. (Can I do that? We shall see.)

Write on "Canary: Out of the Shadows"

Figure out which Contemporary Romance I'm working on next

Finally clean out my bags from the last two author events

Various and sundry other matters

Write down upcoming author events in sacred calendar

Figure out titles to take for upcoming author events

As you can see, it's not for lack of items to-do. It's for complete lack of ambition in this ungodly morning.

Maybe this is my new normal? 😱

Perish the thought.

And pass me a Pepsi.

Comings and goings

Absolutely had the BEST time at "Book Me Romance" 2025! Chatted with readers and other authors, ate some phenomenal quesatacos from Birrieria Le Jefa, and sold some books. 🥳🎉

I've already signed up for next year. I'll have new and improved SPARKLY bags and at least two new titles! 😊💖

I'll finish "Canary: Out of the Shadows" before the end of the year, which will complete my "Canary" trilogy. I'm going to miss Ray. She's damaged to hell and back. Literally. But that woman has my heart and soul. May have to do more with the series or cameo her in other books. I can't say goodbye yet!

I started writing a psychological thriller early early this year. Plowed through about 40k words and then hit my depression roadblock. I'd like to finish that.

Also, there are at least two contemporary romance I need to write. I'm leaning more toward one than the other, but I want to finish at least one within a year. 

Busy with the blessed gbabies over the summer (the heathens...for you in the know). Now I have medical appts every Tuesday and Thursday for a month and then Thursdays. I still have therapy and appts with my mental med doc. The only days that look fairly clean are Saturday-Monday.

Puts more pressure on me, but hopefully, that's a kick in the butt--not the teeth. 

Packing...for "Book Me Romance"

I have no idea how "normal" people do anything.

Me? I make out several lists, duplicating much, and like to get my shit together in a panic. You know, like real people. 

Doing a final book count today for what I'm taking. Need to print and laminate. Pack the car. Pack my suitcase.

Feel the unraveling of my planning at warp speed. ZIP ZOT ZOOM

I have three appointments today. And what good luck they coincide on the day before I take my trip. 😶

Baha...ha.

Oil change this morning. Hair this afternoon. Therapy mid-afternoon.

I think we all can see these are necessary but time-consuming.

Also put in a WM order, but I'm not picking that up until tomorrow morning. Which, in case you wondered, was NOT the best planning because I need my chocolate-covered pretzels...STAT!

And planning for one night is crazy but necessary. I'll pack everything, and it'll take me at least a week to unpack. I like to wait until I actually NEED something before I remove it from the suitcase. Because why do everything at once?

Who ARE you people???  😂

Then my wonderful brain cycles through the "Did I forget something?" portion of the show. Like this is life or death, and if I don't bring black sharpies, scissors, and tape...my world will end.

Thanks to my neurodivergent brain...that's exactly what it feels like. 

And I've put this off until the last minute so I'm actually using a list of things I need from an OLD list. 

Don't judge me.

I'm too busy judging myself.

But wait!

Then it will be time for the book event. And I will release endorphins and soothe my itchy brain for most of the day. I'll have the opportunity to network/meet new authors, greet my old friends, and mingle with readers from all over.

I will PEOPLE so much! 🥳

Then I'll crawl home, hug my bed, and start writing on what I have in queue. It's a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs that comes with being an author. 

We live for these events.

Some of us a bit closer to the edge than others. 😑

Book Me Romance Author Event 2025

I'm on the road again!

Please join me this Saturday, August 16th, in Ft. Smith Arkansas. 😊

It'll be my second year attending Book Me Romance, and it's always a good time!

Come meet wonderful authors and rub elbows with other devoted readers. 

Reality check

It's easy to be wrapped up in my head and forget certain things. I live in my head quite a bit, as it is. But it's nice to have a reminder that I'm actually living my dream.

Red Dirt Romance Book Event was an event for the ages. OKRWG simply puts on one of the best book conferences of the year, and it continues to grow.

I listened to Jill Monroe and Gena Showalter give a presentation about characters. I heard agents speak on the ins and outs of submitting and accepting book offers. I listened to authors talk about their journeys and remind me of why I started.

And the book signing?

I love all of you. From those who simply wanted a signature to those who bought three of the five titles I offered. Every minute I spent talking to readers and other authors is nearly sacred. These are my people. Will always be my people. And I'm so incredibly grateful for every experience allowing me to connect like this did.

I leave you with these two pictures from a wonderful reader, Amber. (I remember her well, as that is my sister's name.) This is her book haul, and you'll see my Contemporary Romance title, "Over Her Head." That is wonderful enough. But look at the company my book is keeping.

It's rubbing spines with authors like Candice Gilmer, Avery Kingston, Lauren Smith, and yes...!!! 🥳

...THE Gena Showalter.

Forever grateful for the readers and opportunities. 😌

It's 8:30 am, and I'm already eating chocolate

I love book conferences. There is, however, that eternal nagging feeling I'm missing something in my packing frenzy.

Books? Cart to transport? Laminated sheets with prices and info? Business cards? Tape? Scissors? Sharpies? 

???

I'll be signing books today from 2-5 at the Red Dirt Romance Book Event. I love chatting with readers and fellow authors. There is literally nothing that comes close to being around likeminded people who love to chat about the written/spoken word.

I attended sessions yesterday, and it always fires me up to hear authors talk about their journey and experiences. 

However, the seats are unforgiving, and I'm almost paralyzed today. I even turned the seats around so I could lean into them-forward.

My spine is pissed.

Thank you, Fibro, you whore.

I'm skipping the morning sessions because doing 5 hours at my table will probably be all I can handle, at this point. Honestly? It'll probably damn near kill me. Going to bring a lumbar pillow to see if that helps.

Hope your Saturday is a good one.

Wish me well!

Slowly but surely

The other day I Googled how to clean blood off of steel. I'm not remotely ALL the way back, but it was a first step.

I see other writers zipping ahead with upcoming releases, and I'm happy for them. Because that feeling is AH-mazing. I haven't finished anything this year.

Yet.

Stings a bit, yeah. 

Okay...more like I whacked a wasp nest and am standing at ground zero. 

It's hard to come to terms with limits. But this year has felt like hitting a wall every time I turn around. And it's a right bitch.

Physically? My body is a shitshow. Fibro flares. My right arm? Oooooooo....she is not nice. Daily. Nerve zaps from here to there. Yada.

Mentally? Have I MENTIONED we're playing with mood stabilizers and ADHD meds? Which has spun me into a depression I heretofore have not felt in years? HAVE I? 😶

Sure I have. 😬

But life continues. I'm still supposed to roll out of bed and live my life as though everything is honky-dory. Because masking works for other people. It's cool to be depressed as fuck as long as I don't rain on anyone's parade. As long as I laugh when I'm supposed to and pretend I'm not dying inside. 

Been there. Done that. 

I'm clawing my way back. I think, MAYBE, the new mood stabilizer might be working. I start the full dosage Wednesday, and I hope I can turn a little corner. A baby corner, if you will. 

And maybe I can find my Muse again. I used to kid Simba was my Muse, as his little furry ass kept me company in my office. But all I have are his ashes now, and that's a kick in the balls on the daily. 

Rough year, innit?

Red Dirt Romance Book Event

Red Dirt Romance Book Event

I'll be here with half-price books on two or three titles. Cleaning out inventory to make room for more! 💖

RDR Book Event is an 18+ romance book signing event that takes place the last day of the RomanceLahoma conferene.

Where: Embassy Suites by Hilton Downtown Medical Center

When: August 2nd

Time: 2-5pm, Registration Required, No walk-ins

Six steps for the perfect burnout

Turning the traction control off! ...

Putting in first gear, left foot on the clutch. ...

Roaring the engine and putting enough pressure on the throttle, so the tachometer hits around 3000 to 3500 RPM.

Releasing the clutch which gets the tires spinning.

Pushing the break immediately!

*****************************************

Not to brag, but I only needed like three steps. 

And I'm spinning my wheels right now over 10,000 rpm and going nowhere, so be jelly. 😌

Writing ideas, and continuations, come in fits and starts, but I feel paralyzed. 

Simba's loss is an open wound. Briefly thought about opening up to another feline. Promptly shut that down. Way too soon. Way way too soon.

My Executive Dysfunction is Top Tier. 

Body Flares? Oh, they are star-spangled, let me tell you. My chronic pain starts at a 5, daily. It's been popping at a 8/9 for around a week or so. Makes me ponder, once again, about pain management. But I fear that once I'm in, I'm literally never out. Scares the shit out of me. But I can't take this daily. It hurts to everything. 😠😖

I did decide, in the abyss of trying to find an app to help me...(we often reach for odd things when we're sinking)...to try "Finch." Let me know if you also are on this interesting bird app, we can be featherheads together!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

I may also suck at this and leave my wee pink Strawberry hatched and homeless. 😬

But we all hope not. 😑

And this country???

OH

MY

FUCK

😡😭

You know.

That's me. Bothered. Unmoisturized. Swerving from lane to lane. Burnt right the fuck up and out.

With TWO Book Conferences in August!

Good news there being I think I'm going to half price three of my titles.

😄😘

Back to dust moting...

Why am I like this?

You'll never guess what happened last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. Never ever. Never. 

*ahem*

ANOTHER book idea. 😒

Dear. Lordt.

Good news? My creativity has decided to make a guest appearance.

Bad news? Um...I already have at least three projects...*snort* AT LEAST...to work on.

But am I completely enamored with this idea? Fuck yes, of course I am. 😑

Great premise. Awesome characters. 💃💃💃🖕

The timing is exquisite, right? With all this free time and nothing else to do. 😶😂

So here I am this morning. Sitting at my desk. Fans on high because Oklahoma is trying to bake me. Brain actually firing on the creative side. Water at the ready. And...unsure of what to do.

Start on ANOTHER effing book??? Because I know I could easily bang out at least 4,000 words on it today?

Or work on "Out of the Shadows" which may or may not work out, depending on if I can get in the groove on it or not? 

This some bullshit.

Wish me luck. Just going to throw myself in a trench and see where I land.

Did I mention I have TWO book conferences in August???

I'm a hazard to myself.

*******

No ducks here

People are all about the saying...having their ducks in a row. 

That's cool. For them.

I have no ducks. There are no ducks here. If I had ducks, I would be petting them and oh-so-unconcerned about them lining up in a row.

And little known fact, I DID have a duck once. He was a mallard. Named him Drake. 🦆 Oh, but he was a sweet boy. Got him as a wee duckling. He was being picked on by the chickens. Took his little ass home and loved on him. And ducks are so soft and sweet...NOT Muskovy ducks...he was a treasure. They have the softest little place on the underside of their beaks that is pure silk. Their wings are smooth and glossy. There's a gland on their little duck ass they use to rub on their wings to help them float. Some oily something or other. Then to watch them dive and eat in pools. Head all down. Ass in air. 😁  

What were we talking about???

Ah, yes. My non-existent ducks.

I've been struggling. And I quite hate it. I've a new med doc, and they're messing with my meds because of my new ADHD med. It's creating chaos that I neither want nor need. My body's in an uproar, and I'm completely not a fan. 

My creativity...my LIFELINE...is nowhere to be found right now. It's a slow death, to be honest. I can't focus when I'm in pain, and right now, my body is trying it's best to play Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, cannons and all.

Let's be honest, the best I do, on the daily, is to try and manage the PTSD, GAD, depression, and ADHD. You don't ever get one over on them. You simply try and juggle the best with what you've got. And while I truly want to work on "Out of the Shadows" and my newest Contemporary Romance AND my Paranormal Thriller...I don't have the fucking wherewithal to do so at this moment.

I have two conferences in August. Ya girl is feeling somewhat defeated at this point. 😞 

I would honestly kill for some ducks right now. 

quack quack

The call is coming from inside the house

When I'm in the writing flow, I can easily pop out between 4000-6000 words a day. It feels seamless. The words are coming to me effortlessly, and I am in authorly ecstasy. But when my world is not going well, everything is affected. Simba's passing was a heart punch I'm still dealing with daily. My body is flaring like it thinks it's the best thing to do. And my brain? That heifer feels like she's split into a million little pieces right now.

Focus? Biggest joke ever.

Usually, at this point, I would start the self-defeating talk. Asking myself why in the holy hell I can't just pick myself up by my boot straps and carry the fuck on. This is the talk I would always give myself when everything would be too much. And I'd pick myself up, weary as fuck-all, and continue. 

I mean, really? What the hell was wrong with me, anyway?

ADHD.

Not an excuse. But a verified, late in life. diagnosis. Why can't I pay attention? Why am I bored easily? Why am I easily distracted? Why do I zone out when I should be doing something? 

I'm NOT a weak-ass bitch. 😤 (Thank you, trauma, you fucker.)

My brain was made this way, and I'm just now taking meds that can help alter these patterns. Is it still frustrating?

BEYOND

so so beyond...

But I'm working on being a bit nicer and more understanding to myself and not such a force of unforgiving nature.

I once had a boss tell me that if I expected everyone to work to my standard, I'd never be able to work with anyone. How right she was.

I have two conferences in August, and I need to finished Canary: Out of the Shadows. I'm watching my oldest granddaughter Monday-Friday, and life is still popping. Will I make it? Jury is out. But the bottom line?

I need to calm down.

Crystal*

Exhales...

...a little.

Feel like I've been surrounded by bad juju for a long minute. Still trying to find my feet as I'm off-balance. Not my favorite position, in the slightest.

Still dealing with the loss of Simba daily. And oh, but it stings like a son of a bitch. I've put his little box of ashes back on the day bed behind me on the blanket he used to lay on. It, at least, feels a bit familiar. 💔

I've not been writing because I can't find focus with the Webb Space Telescope at this point. It evades me. I wake with eyes sore and already done with the day I haven't yet started. My thoughts here, there, and wherever but anywhere they are supposed to be. Thought the new ADHD med may help with that. So far? Not really, kids.

I've a running headache. It keeps me company. The little bastard switches to either side of my head and behind my eyes. It's on the side of my right eye at this moment. 

But still?

Life is better. It's getting there slowly. I'm thinking about the books. Always my intro to get back to them. Thinking about Ray and her multiple dilemmas. Serena and how she fits into Ray's cracks. Nessa and Cody. Lacey. Dale. John. I DO love my characters...

The other world has always saved me, you know. From a young age, I would immerse myself in the stories as opposed to what was happening in the real world. 

I still do.

Crystal*

OKC Thunder wins 2025 NBA Championship

Bet.

You heard it here first.

Literally.

You guessed it. I'm on one.

Series tied 3-3. NBA analysts verbally fellating Joker and panning J Dub. 

I'm so sick of this shit.

First of all, let's cut to it. 

NO ONE, as far as analysts and NBA elite, wants OKC to win a championship. We're still "too young" and "too inexperienced".

fuck you

That shit played out last year. 

None of you can stomach us, let alone stand us...thanks Em. 😙

We have EARNED this mfing spot, you elitist shits. That goes for you keyboard players who would shit yourself if Lu or Chet came up on you, and YOU KNOW IT. We didn't get here by chance. It's called talent, you remorseless fucks. And we have heart. You don't LIKE the fact we're kicking ass and kicking teams down? Sucks for you.

We're going to keep doing it.

Over and over and over again.

Nuggets on Sunday to eliminate and then the Timberwolves in the series to win the CHAMPIONSHIP. Because that's how we motherfucking DO.

Shai will be MVP because that's how he DO.

@stephenasmith You're running around looking like a cartoon character on acid verbally jerking the Joker off and trash-talking the Thunder. For years, dude. Years. Sing another song. Your shit is old as you are.

@shaq If you had to say a nice thing about the Thunder, I think it would physically PAIN you. For real?

It was worse when it was KD, Russ, and the Beard. Exponentially. But 9 and 10 years later? Y'all still coming with your tired old bullshit while we're on the come up. 

What's going to happen when when we hold that trophy high? A bunch of mumbling and more weak ass shit? Or finally the recognition this team deserves?

Handle this shit.

Crystal*

Simba

 Lost my feline son of 14 years Saturday.

Going to be radio silence for a bit. 💔

Why the villain?

I speak in fiction, of course. There's the cute little saying about how you should pick a villain over a hero because a hero would pick the masses while a villain would pick you and let the world burn.

Romantic, isn't it?

Is it?

Women are both simple and complex creatures. But we are each different to such a degree that a partner cannot carbon copy their behavior from one relationship to the next. Even if their type is sporty. That could mean fishing, kayaking, climbing a mountain, running, biking, etc. 

We come in different flavors.

But yet...throw a bad boy in front of us, and we are on board.

And he doesn't have to look a certain way. Because this "villain" is all about the confidence. The arrogance. Oh. He can do what he says he can do? 😳 Yes, please.

But let me back it up a second. 

Let's take my favorite sociopath, Sherlock Holmes, specifically--Benedict's version. A sociopath lacks empathy for others. Sociopaths now have "Antisocial Personality Disorder" which rather spells out the issue. They must have lifelong treatment to adjust behavior and reduce the risks of harm to those around them. Sherlock is grey area. He IS anti-hero. He's the drug-addicted, risk-addicted genius who steps on those around him without a second thought. But the magnetism is unholy.

Nonetheless, Sherlock is not the "villain" I refer.

A fictional villain doesn't belong on a psychological spectrum, in my opinion. These villains aren't true sociopaths nor psychopaths. If they were...there would BE no redemption unless chemical interference or something of the sort. They simply COULD NOT CHANGE. The Joker, being a great example.

A fictional villain, the kind a reader flocks to, is damaged. They may be armored, but there are cracks in that armor which have been tended to and reinforced. Nice was two decades back. Nice didn't work. Kind was for idiots. Only power. Only cruelty. Only madness prevails. 

The villain, no matter the gender, buried that piece of humanity deep inside the armor. They actually told themselves they've purged it. But the tiniest bit of their soul clutched it tightly. Held it deep.

And that's the part, dear readers, we connect with.   

Executive Dysfunction

Putting the "fun" in ADHD.

"Executive dysfunction" is a term used to describe faults or weaknesses in the cognitive process that organizes thoughts and activities, prioritizes tasks, manages time efficiently, and makes decisions.

Executive function skills are used to establish structures and strategies for managing projects and to determine the actions required to move each project forward.

In other words, let's say I have an appt at one o'clock. I am up at nine. Eat breakfast. Shower. Get dressed. I am worthless until said appt. I will do absolutely nothing until the appt because I am frozen until then. I literally an UNABLE to do anything else but wait for that appt. 

I have no idea why.

Science. 

I didn't know there was a term for this bullshit.

Surprise! There so is.

This is also the term for my short ass needing to write but unable to do so. I will alphabetize my tchotchkes before I open a Word document. *pulls out hair in author*

The frustration level, right now, is nearly at crying jag point. It's not simply "writer's block". No. This is some next-level cognitive fucked-up shit.

Now.

I've consulted with my mental med doc. We're going to start me on some ADHD meds, but they are CONTROLLED because Hey! Of course they fucking are. And she's not a "doctor" but a practitioner, so I must attend a fifteen minute meeting in three weeks, from a "doctor" warning me of the addictive nature of the med I want to try for this brain fuck.

Never mind the fact I took myself off Oxycodone after the hip surgery because I hated it, and I've gone cold turkey off Tramadol and Percocet because my prescribing PCP passed away. (She prescribed pain meds for my fibro. Good woman.)

ANYWAY...I feel like I'm spinning wheels with the barest of tread, and I'm fucking so over it, I could probably write a book about THAT.

 

Deep breath now that I've vented my spleen. WOOSAHHHHHHH

I need to calm down.

I'm a roller coaster, on a good day. But since my ADHD diagnosis, I've been like the granddaddy of roller coasters. You know, those bitches where you think you've caught your breath...only to plunge down again...heart in throat?

Yeah. That.

My med doc moved. I don't have one right now so I haven't started with any of that. I had therapy a day before I found out about the diagnosis, so I haven't really had a chance to unpack mentally. 

Knowing has somehow made it worse? Is that possible?

*ROLLS EYES AT SELF REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD*

My focus right now is zero point shit. I want to: clean out the fridge. Shop at Sam's. Pick up my meds. Not do anything. Watch CNN (masochism at its finest). And I'm stuck sitting at my desk with absolutely zero energy and a brain that's doing the splits in eighteen different directions.

The Cube and I don't have ANY idea what's going on. Part of me wants to crawl back into bed because I'm damn tired. Wait.

FATIGUED. I am fucking FATIGUED. 

Still have allergies that are kicking my ass and waking me up every three hours. Wait. And I need to do dishes, too. 😒

Ope.

Bed.

Bed won.

Maybe the two wolves in my mind need a nap. Probably more like a rave of squirrels. 🤔 A murder of crows? 😶 A mishap of meerkats? 😑

Writing weather

Rainy weather is best for writing. Gloomy, overcast, with rain driving at my Sanctuary window makes me a happy author.

For once, the Oklahoma weather delivered.

We're supposed to have rainy weather through Sunday morning. 🥳

I'm around a third of the way through "Canary: Out of the Shadows" and hope to be about half finished by the end of the weekend.

I told you--lofty goals. 

Saturday, Middle Daughter and heathen granddaughters are coming up. That's a no-writing day. I'll get back to it on Sunday.

Something about the darkness. Room only lit by a couple of lamps. Fairy lights atop my desk. Both monitors glowing in anticipation. The sound of rain hitting the window. Slippers on. 

The vibe is vibing.

The author is writing.

Nice.

I had myself tested.

I like to take my own temperature. Sometimes it gets lost in the day-to-day minutiae and daily rote. Because life is so damn busy. I had four appts this last damn week, and I couldn't tell you the calendar day, or day of the week, but I could tell you what appt it was.

Such is my life.

In all the wonderfulness of my physical and mental journey, I felt as though I missed something. Or perhaps, instead, something was missed.

I tell this horrible story to my therapists because it highlights how neurodivergent boys were treated back in the early eighties.

I moved in fifth grade to a different elementary and had the good fortune to be seated next to the most hyperactive, out-of-control, FUNNIEST, redheaded young man named Scott Schmidlkofer. He was wired for sound. When he became a bit much too handle, he went out in the hall---in a big refrigerator box. 😡

Horrifying, yes?

Honestly, there are still MILES to go for all the sexes.

But females weren't diagnosed. I didn't know what ADD, ADHD, or Autism was. I barely knew, in the mid-nineties through the two thousands, raising my own kids.

However, I've always been different. I embrace it now. I have for quite some time. I don't think like other people. Or react. Could chalk it up to some mental or physical factors. But still. But...still... 

WHAT IS GOING ON?

So I had myself tested. 😊😌  

You don't know until you know.

Now I know.

I have ADHD Combined. Combined type ADHD is the most common manifestation of ADHD, including symptoms of both inattentive type and hyperactive-impulsive type.

Ta-da! 🥳

Currently dealing with research overload because I want to know all about it and how to deal and find others with it and how they deal and...and...and...😂

The one thing I'm trying hard NOT to do is pastflect. Try to see if I could bend the past if I'd only known. 

It does me no good, and it's bothersome, guys. It's...bothersome.

Now I know. And you know. And whoever knows. All good.

Always writing*

...and being neurodivergent...

Eliciting emotions

Elicit: to draw forth into existence.

What a word. What a feeling.

It's my job, of course. It's what writers strive to do, or at least good writers, in my opinion. I write for myself and the satisfaction of it, but I want to grab as many people as I can to bring them along into the story. That's my purpose. 

Come with me. Feel with me. Be with me.

I want you to feel pleasure, relief, and angst. Love. Betrayal. The dark and the light. 

Readers live a million lives through the eyes of others. 

Making it happen is a massive responsibility.

"Meh writing" is a travesty. We've all had books that we've cracked open the cover with anticipation and then chunked it at the nearest wall.

It's heartbreaking and all-around disappointment. Leaves a bad taste in our mouth, and we're not soon over it.

Makes us a bit book-shy.

But when we crack open a book and our hearts and minds are filled with a story which takes us on an adventure we don't want to end?

It fills us up in ways even we aren't aware.

I strive to make readers laugh aloud. Cry. Curse. Reread the sexy parts. I want full immersion. Sink into it. Full saturation.

I'm either writing a massacre today or a long-awaited sex scene. Both will be deeply emotional and satisfying. 

Loss? Love?

Whichever I choose, I'll put my heart and soul into it.

It's no less than any writer should do.

Always writing*

...I think I'm killing people today...  

 

 

Rewired

Trauma changes you. Trite but true. 

I used to write chronologically, before my house burned to the ground December 9, 2006.

Also, funny thing (not haha-in this case), I can't remember dates for shit. Also, it was a Saturday.

Before HF (house fire), my story would unfold for me. Like carefully taking apart an origami animal. I had just signed a contract for my four-book Elemental Guardian Series. I only finished two before the ashes. I believe I stated I would release one every three months but changed it to four, at the last minute.

After the HF? I still had two to write. Quickly.

I've stated previously I'm a mood writer. 

My world, and my children's, fell apart. We lost everything, including the person I was with at the time, and their son. So...half our family. And also, someone I considered family.

Devastating would be putting it mildly.

When I tried to write again...I started at the beginning, but my Muse didn't appear to agree with the same ol' methodology. Scenes came to me out of order. Dialogue would pop into my head whenever the hell it wanted, and I adjusted. Wasn't easy. I didn't like it.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't turn a corner quickly. But I learned if I didn't jot what came to me down, it would disappear, and that was the biggest loss.  

I cranked out Wind Goddess on time, and I feel bad to this day I don't remember writing bits of it. I believe I was still in shock and dealing with trauma for several months after the event. Honestly, there are moments, even now, that trigger me with simple things such as smelling wood burning.

I wrote Earth Goddess as I settled back into myself. Accepted the new normal. 

I love that book. 

Even now, I'll start a book and think I'll continue chronologically, but it never happens. I suppose that event rewired my brain in some way which is incredibly interesting and wholly terrifying. We are at the mercy of our grey matter. Thankfully mine is still giving. We simply like to play a bit of hide-and-seek and Clue and Guess What I Know and You Don't? 😂  

Be easy with yourself. Even small things can throw you off for a bit. 

Like right now. I understand trees are helping me breathe, but they are NOT helping me breathe. They are being incredibly hateful, and we are not friends. 

Dendron non grata

Always writing*

...except for last week, which was Spring Break, and I had two of my heathen granddaughters, and Sweet Baby Jesus...they gave this Mimi a run for her money...

Let me share a thing or two or more than I should...

...because what would be new? 😂

My only sister is five years younger than I am. We played Barbies ALL THE TIME. But, it was more than that. Because we played, "Dolls of our Lives."

Cue the music.

That's right, readers.

We grew up on Kim and Shane. Patch and Kayla. Bo and Hope. And BY GOD, our Barbies would go through the same shit, if not worse. 

Sis liked to hang hers by their limbs in mortal danger. They always had a broken something or other. I was about the drama. 

You did what? When? With who?

I like to think I sharpened my storytelling teeth on those poor dolls who didn't stand a rat's ass chance of finding happiness. 

Until I let them.

Oh...the POWAH! 🗲🗲🗲

But my favorite soap duo...ever...was Mason and Mary from "Santa Barbara."

Mason was a horrible lawyer with no scruples whatsoever.

Mary was a nun.

A. Fucking. Nun.

👏👏👏

Mason was absolutely corruptingly delicious. This man was toxic with a capital "T", but he fell for Mary and exposed his softer side.

I would record their dialogue on cassette only to listen to it again and again. The cadence. The banter. I strive for this perfection in my scenes. Dialogue, to me, is foreplay. It sets the tone between characters in a most important way. Words spoken are completely telling.

Couple things: I played Barbie's until I was twelve. Maybe older. It's all kind of blurry. We actually sat them down for a group photo once. Wish I still had it.

If you don't know what a cassette is, Google it. 😑

It's important you know where you came from. 💖

Always writing*

...working on OOS scenes today...OKC Thunder later

Dietary doings

My short ass has gained and lost weight so many times, it's not remotely funny. Over decades. I was pregnant three years in a row. Then I lost all that weight. Gained it back. Repeat ad nauseum.

I've tried, and successfully used: step aerobics, Tae-Bo, The Firm, Denise Austin, walking, and aerobics.

But something major would inevitably happen, and I would put the weight back on. Oh. Had an ulcer once. Lost weight with that, too. Mustn't forget that. Had a friend ask me what diet I was on. Told her the ulcer diet.

sigh

Lost hundred pounds for my hip surgery. Retired and gained sixty of it back. I've now lost fifty of that. 

My poor body.

I started Keto last September. Not being a moderate person, I, of course, went cold turkey. I stopped my comfort food of sourdough toast and skimmed milk for breakfast. 😭

I began to experiment with eggs. (I have to have a hot breakfast.)

Then I added sausage to that. I'm finally happy with where I'm at there. Fills me up. Tastes good. 

Woot! 🥳

Other meals can be...difficult.

I like meat. No hardship. Sometimes I'll make shrimp fajitas in the air fryer and eat on that for a couple of days. Sometimes I'll repeat breakfast. Chicken. Tacos. Meatloaf. 

Secret is to use pork panko crumbs for the meatloaf and low-no carb tortillas for the tacos. You wouldn't believe the offerings out there now. 

I've checked out books from the local library for research. Follow some groups on Facebook. 

Sometimes I get discouraged, but I'm fitting into pants I've not seen in a bit and buying more in a size that makes me smile. 

Keto works for me, and I see it continue to work. It's something I can do long-term. My lab numbers, cholesterol and whatnot, are good. No worries there.

It hasn't helped my chronic pain, but I'll take what I can get. 😌

If you're still searching for something that works for you, don't give up. There are a million combinations of foods and diets. Your body is unique. Don't try to make it do something it doesn't want to. Dip a toe. See if you can work within the parameters. Tweak it a bit. Keep looking for your fit.

Good luck!

Crystal*

Am I a real writer now???

Imposter syndrome:  "Imposter syndrome (IS) is a behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals." This definition is straight from the NIH (National Institutes of Health).

I've always heard the term and have known the basic definition BUT didn't know it was among "high-achieving individuals" supposedly.

I'm fairly open with my mental health. Good days. Bad. Weird. It's whatever. And I don't struggle with imposter syndrome often...but when I DO...ugh.

"They" (other authors):

More fans

More books published

More connections

Farther along than I am

All over the news

More sales

FILL IN THE BLANK

What do I do when this happens?

First...I take a deep breath. In through the nose...out through the mouth. About five of these bad boys. 

I remind myself that every journey is not the same. This is important. I've been through it. I'm still working through it. I'm proud of myself. Periodt.

I love the connections I have. I'll make more over time through my work and other book conferences and conventions.

EVERYONE is somewhere different on their author journey. This is a good reminder.

I am where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm a firm believer in this one. Keeps me grounded and thankful.

It's easy to be downtrodden when you think, perhaps, you've not lived up to some expectation in your head or compare yourself to someone else's highlights. Part of that is human nature. But we have the capacity to remind ourselves how amazing we truly are. We can look back at OUR journey and marvel at accomplishments. We have every right to have pride in what we can and are capable of. Don't dismiss yourself out of hand. 

Don't dismiss yourself at all. 💖

Am I a real writer now? 

I was a real writer the moment I tapped key to monitor with intention back in 2005. Now? I simply need to remind myself of it.

Crystal*

Age old question for writers...

...plotter or pantser?

Let me tell you. I'd read tea leaves, if they told a good story. 😂

But seriously, I've tried to plot a story. It's not for me. I don't even wish it were for me. And I'll tell you why. I write by clicks. When I write, it's like a massive set of dominoes that's been set up. I start when the first domino falls.

If ever a domino doesn't fall, I've lost my click. I'm off the path. I stop. Find my way back. Begin again. Push the domino down and continue. 

I've added elements in a novel that I consciously didn't know where in the hell they came from, only to have them swoop back in, to perfectly make sense two-hundred pages later. When that happens?

Oh. You can't tell me NOTHING. 🥳 

I admire those that plot. You have your entire story all worked out. Plot points. The whole she-bang. You're amazing. 

I honestly don't think I could do it even under threat of harm. 🤔

Case in point, I have a scene, a HUGE SCENE, in "Out of the Shadows" that I've written three times, in three different ways.

If you guessed I'm writing it today, in a new and different way, you'd be correct. This version is going in the final manuscript. It fits better. I'm constantly trying to improve on what I do and how I do it. My brain is constantly running 100 meter sprints like an idiot, and I can't get the damn thing to stop. And I'm also working on other projects that my grey matter deems important at two something in the morning because WHY NOT? 😶

I don't like the word "pantser" because I feel that's not representative of me and who I am as a writer. Never much liked pigeonholes, anyway. So, I'm going to say I'm a mood writer. Because THAT has everything to do with what's coming out of the brain and through the fingertips.

Maybe I'm a moody writer.

Maybe this is going downhill fast.

Always writing*

Red Bulls and book covers

Slamming Red Bulls and making book covers.

Ahhhh...what a day. 😂

First go at "Canary: Out of the Shadows." 

It's the final book in the "Canary" trilogy.

What do you think?

Going to let this marinate for a few and look back at it. I hope. Or I could spend all day picking at it. 🤔

Decisions. Decisions.

😶

Conflict, Stakes, and Tension

Yessssss...

I'm a member of the Oklahoma Romance Writers Guild. We meet once a month and often have wonderful speakers who delve a bit farther into our craft. Dawn Alexander gave yesterday's presentation about "Conflict, Stakes, and Tension."

First things first.

Dawn was great. Presentation pacing was on point. Information was both precise and valuable. Would recommend her to any groups looking for an interesting and knowledgeable speaker. Her pop culture references are also fun. 😄

Second things second.

You can be a member of OKRWG for free. No matter where you are. It's a great group, and you will love the support, the growth, and the continuing education for members.

Third things third.

I have anxiety prime. But I LOVE tension in a book. If I'm not gripping the cover, or my phone, I need things to pick up.

And writing it? The greater the tension? The bigger my smile. I'm contrary that way. 😂

Some important things I noted from Dawn's talk as an author:

What happened the day before the story started?

Characters must keep encountering problems. If they reach goal midway, they must encounter a new set of problems.

NOT making a decision is STILL making a decision.

Internal Conflict is a character's line in the sand.

Don't make characters too self-aware in the beginning.

If you're creating tension in a scene...don't plop down the whole loaf of bread (my visual)...drop breadcrumbs. Be slow and deliberate in the scene.

*******

I learned long ago characters need both internal and external conflict. And these conflicts need layers. No person is one-dimensional. 

Your characters shouldn't be, either.

Always writing*

...just me and my anxiety prime...then I'm laughing thinking about an A on my chest and Hester Prynne which really isn't funny but then I segued into Emma Stone and the A on HER chest, and I probably need to go back to the list I made myself today and quit spit-balling...