Slowly but surely

The other day I Googled how to clean blood off of steel. I'm not remotely ALL the way back, but it was a first step.

I see other writers zipping ahead with upcoming releases, and I'm happy for them. Because that feeling is AH-mazing. I haven't finished anything this year.

Yet.

Stings a bit, yeah. 

Okay...more like I whacked a wasp nest and am standing at ground zero. 

It's hard to come to terms with limits. But this year has felt like hitting a wall every time I turn around. And it's a right bitch.

Physically? My body is a shitshow. Fibro flares. My right arm? Oooooooo....she is not nice. Daily. Nerve zaps from here to there. Yada.

Mentally? Have I MENTIONED we're playing with mood stabilizers and ADHD meds? Which has spun me into a depression I heretofore have not felt in years? HAVE I? 😶

Sure I have. 😬

But life continues. I'm still supposed to roll out of bed and live my life as though everything is honky-dory. Because masking works for other people. It's cool to be depressed as fuck as long as I don't rain on anyone's parade. As long as I laugh when I'm supposed to and pretend I'm not dying inside. 

Been there. Done that. 

I'm clawing my way back. I think, MAYBE, the new mood stabilizer might be working. I start the full dosage Wednesday, and I hope I can turn a little corner. A baby corner, if you will. 

And maybe I can find my Muse again. I used to kid Simba was my Muse, as his little furry ass kept me company in my office. But all I have are his ashes now, and that's a kick in the balls on the daily. 

Rough year, innit?

Red Dirt Romance Book Event

Red Dirt Romance Book Event

I'll be here with half-price books on two or three titles. Cleaning out inventory to make room for more! 💖

RDR Book Event is an 18+ romance book signing event that takes place the last day of the RomanceLahoma conferene.

Where: Embassy Suites by Hilton Downtown Medical Center

When: August 2nd

Time: 2-5pm, Registration Required, No walk-ins

Six steps for the perfect burnout

Turning the traction control off! ...

Putting in first gear, left foot on the clutch. ...

Roaring the engine and putting enough pressure on the throttle, so the tachometer hits around 3000 to 3500 RPM.

Releasing the clutch which gets the tires spinning.

Pushing the break immediately!

*****************************************

Not to brag, but I only needed like three steps. 

And I'm spinning my wheels right now over 10,000 rpm and going nowhere, so be jelly. 😌

Writing ideas, and continuations, come in fits and starts, but I feel paralyzed. 

Simba's loss is an open wound. Briefly thought about opening up to another feline. Promptly shut that down. Way too soon. Way way too soon.

My Executive Dysfunction is Top Tier. 

Body Flares? Oh, they are star-spangled, let me tell you. My chronic pain starts at a 5, daily. It's been popping at a 8/9 for around a week or so. Makes me ponder, once again, about pain management. But I fear that once I'm in, I'm literally never out. Scares the shit out of me. But I can't take this daily. It hurts to everything. 😠😖

I did decide, in the abyss of trying to find an app to help me...(we often reach for odd things when we're sinking)...to try "Finch." Let me know if you also are on this interesting bird app, we can be featherheads together!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

I may also suck at this and leave my wee pink Strawberry hatched and homeless. 😬

But we all hope not. 😑

And this country???

OH

MY

FUCK

😡😭

You know.

That's me. Bothered. Unmoisturized. Swerving from lane to lane. Burnt right the fuck up and out.

With TWO Book Conferences in August!

Good news there being I think I'm going to half price three of my titles.

😄😘

Back to dust moting...

Why am I like this?

You'll never guess what happened last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. Never ever. Never. 

*ahem*

ANOTHER book idea. 😒

Dear. Lordt.

Good news? My creativity has decided to make a guest appearance.

Bad news? Um...I already have at least three projects...*snort* AT LEAST...to work on.

But am I completely enamored with this idea? Fuck yes, of course I am. 😑

Great premise. Awesome characters. 💃💃💃🖕

The timing is exquisite, right? With all this free time and nothing else to do. 😶😂

So here I am this morning. Sitting at my desk. Fans on high because Oklahoma is trying to bake me. Brain actually firing on the creative side. Water at the ready. And...unsure of what to do.

Start on ANOTHER effing book??? Because I know I could easily bang out at least 4,000 words on it today?

Or work on "Out of the Shadows" which may or may not work out, depending on if I can get in the groove on it or not? 

This some bullshit.

Wish me luck. Just going to throw myself in a trench and see where I land.

Did I mention I have TWO book conferences in August???

I'm a hazard to myself.

*******

No ducks here

People are all about the saying...having their ducks in a row. 

That's cool. For them.

I have no ducks. There are no ducks here. If I had ducks, I would be petting them and oh-so-unconcerned about them lining up in a row.

And little known fact, I DID have a duck once. He was a mallard. Named him Drake. 🦆 Oh, but he was a sweet boy. Got him as a wee duckling. He was being picked on by the chickens. Took his little ass home and loved on him. And ducks are so soft and sweet...NOT Muskovy ducks...he was a treasure. They have the softest little place on the underside of their beaks that is pure silk. Their wings are smooth and glossy. There's a gland on their little duck ass they use to rub on their wings to help them float. Some oily something or other. Then to watch them dive and eat in pools. Head all down. Ass in air. 😁  

What were we talking about???

Ah, yes. My non-existent ducks.

I've been struggling. And I quite hate it. I've a new med doc, and they're messing with my meds because of my new ADHD med. It's creating chaos that I neither want nor need. My body's in an uproar, and I'm completely not a fan. 

My creativity...my LIFELINE...is nowhere to be found right now. It's a slow death, to be honest. I can't focus when I'm in pain, and right now, my body is trying it's best to play Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, cannons and all.

Let's be honest, the best I do, on the daily, is to try and manage the PTSD, GAD, depression, and ADHD. You don't ever get one over on them. You simply try and juggle the best with what you've got. And while I truly want to work on "Out of the Shadows" and my newest Contemporary Romance AND my Paranormal Thriller...I don't have the fucking wherewithal to do so at this moment.

I have two conferences in August. Ya girl is feeling somewhat defeated at this point. 😞 

I would honestly kill for some ducks right now. 

quack quack

The call is coming from inside the house

When I'm in the writing flow, I can easily pop out between 4000-6000 words a day. It feels seamless. The words are coming to me effortlessly, and I am in authorly ecstasy. But when my world is not going well, everything is affected. Simba's passing was a heart punch I'm still dealing with daily. My body is flaring like it thinks it's the best thing to do. And my brain? That heifer feels like she's split into a million little pieces right now.

Focus? Biggest joke ever.

Usually, at this point, I would start the self-defeating talk. Asking myself why in the holy hell I can't just pick myself up by my boot straps and carry the fuck on. This is the talk I would always give myself when everything would be too much. And I'd pick myself up, weary as fuck-all, and continue. 

I mean, really? What the hell was wrong with me, anyway?

ADHD.

Not an excuse. But a verified, late in life. diagnosis. Why can't I pay attention? Why am I bored easily? Why am I easily distracted? Why do I zone out when I should be doing something? 

I'm NOT a weak-ass bitch. 😤 (Thank you, trauma, you fucker.)

My brain was made this way, and I'm just now taking meds that can help alter these patterns. Is it still frustrating?

BEYOND

so so beyond...

But I'm working on being a bit nicer and more understanding to myself and not such a force of unforgiving nature.

I once had a boss tell me that if I expected everyone to work to my standard, I'd never be able to work with anyone. How right she was.

I have two conferences in August, and I need to finished Canary: Out of the Shadows. I'm watching my oldest granddaughter Monday-Friday, and life is still popping. Will I make it? Jury is out. But the bottom line?

I need to calm down.

Crystal*

Exhales...

...a little.

Feel like I've been surrounded by bad juju for a long minute. Still trying to find my feet as I'm off-balance. Not my favorite position, in the slightest.

Still dealing with the loss of Simba daily. And oh, but it stings like a son of a bitch. I've put his little box of ashes back on the day bed behind me on the blanket he used to lay on. It, at least, feels a bit familiar. 💔

I've not been writing because I can't find focus with the Webb Space Telescope at this point. It evades me. I wake with eyes sore and already done with the day I haven't yet started. My thoughts here, there, and wherever but anywhere they are supposed to be. Thought the new ADHD med may help with that. So far? Not really, kids.

I've a running headache. It keeps me company. The little bastard switches to either side of my head and behind my eyes. It's on the side of my right eye at this moment. 

But still?

Life is better. It's getting there slowly. I'm thinking about the books. Always my intro to get back to them. Thinking about Ray and her multiple dilemmas. Serena and how she fits into Ray's cracks. Nessa and Cody. Lacey. Dale. John. I DO love my characters...

The other world has always saved me, you know. From a young age, I would immerse myself in the stories as opposed to what was happening in the real world. 

I still do.

Crystal*